Posts Tagged ‘drunk texting’

Me (texting): Boy doesn’t know what poo dollar is: questionable. girl explains boy poo dolla and he doesn’t think it is hilarious: dealbreaker.  Boy says he’s gonna make me food and disappears from life: hurts my feelings.

And that’s how it ended (actually no, that’s a lie, it ended when he didn’t make me food as promised). But that’s what caused how I ended up texting a guy I call Tuna in my slutty sailor uniform (p.s. don’t call Marines sailors, ok? They like really don’t like that. I told Grandpa, ex-Marine, I was going to be him for Halloween this year. His response, “oh, you’re going to be an ugly old man?” “no gramps, I am going to be a sailor” and click – him hanging up on me) in the corner of the basement of the hottest Halloween party in town feeling rejected and confused.

It all started so well.

Have you heard about the theory that people are attracted to others that look like themselves?  Human development professor at Madison supports it (later she also says people look like their dogs… but that is beside the point). Tuna, like me, had brown hair and blue eyes which I must admit I find a tasty combo (yes, if you were wondering, I am also attracted to very modest people).  Irish Deadhorse also had the dark hair light eyes combo… but that’s another story.

He was a buffet drinker, like me. And no, I am not referring to my remarkable ability to polish off multiple o-bombs, irish carbombs, beerbongs, and vodka sodas in a day’s work. I’m talking a normal brunch w/ a bloody mary, diet coke, water, and maybe a coffee to boot.  Someone that appreciated the fact that having 4 drinks at once was better than 1 or 2, not peeved that my beverages were overtaking the table.

On a related Beverage note, I met Tuna when I was still w/ Beverage (whatever that means – since we were never fully together??) We bantered over email over who would win at catchphrase, shuffle board, movie trivia, and winking contests (ok, I’ll admit it – I am a HORRID winker. It’s not something I am proud of.   I have major wink envy over people that can pull off a sexy nonchalant wink. I like to have wink contests w/ my girlfriends over cocktails but to be honest I think my wink is just creepy and you probably wouldn’t even register it as a wink and I probably shouldn’t do it but I do. Cus I just think it’s kinda cool.) and here’s a cyber wink out at ya ;). I digress…  We fought over whether it was pop or soda (clearly pop) whether Chicago style pizza or margherita pizza took the cake (being a Chicago native and majority Italian I won those battles easily, plus, guys should never email phrases like “fresh basil and light sauce”, it’s just not becoming).

And then I told Beverage I was done sleeping w/ him (spoiler alert: I wasn’t. but I am now. Really) and went on to go out w the boy J who I reluctantly/stupidly got into his car without knowing him (ok – for the record I made Tim the door guy come out w me to look at his car/face in the event things turned out bad. Apparently Tim has the handshake of a wet fish, which was unfortunate. Pity that Ralph the other late night door guy/cop w/ gun/Mike Tyson look alike wasn’t working).  A couple minutes into said car ride I learned he had unregistered guns in it and emailed me post-dinner “can’t wait to see you again” w/ picture of his rifle. It didn’t work out.  But I still got to tell my father I got in the car on a blind date w/ some guy who had unregistered guns, which pretty much made it worth it.  Still hear from J, usually because I accidently blackberry message him from time to time since he has the same name as my brother. 

Tuna and I agree to go out for a “binner” (or is it dunch?) because it’s it’s COLLEGES homecoming game.  Pre date I warn him I might be dressed a bit out there and to that point does he have any collateral in my collegiate colors.  He brings me arm bands and face paint and surprises me w his favorite pizza place because I complain that there is no good pizza here.  Points for thoughtfulness and extra points for hotness (ok – I mighta had beer goggles when I first met him). As I watch football and look at him he seems to bear a resemblance to sportscaster/ex Bachelor star Jesse Palmer. Except he doesn’t have that expression like he has no idea where he is like Jesse.

I initiate a beer off because I am competitive lil fer and dates always get more fun once you have your buzz on. A beer I recall as Skullf+cker wins, although I am certain that is not the real name of the beer but a very, very inappropriate sexual act. Urban dictionary it, I dare you, although you might really, really not like what you see.

We are having so much fun that he ends up wearing my collegiate hat and I draw the mascot on his cheek and he comes to watch the game w/ me.  And when he puts on the hat he looks like another Jesse, Desperate Housewives start Jesse Metcalffe. Good things happen there: Thelma’s boyfriend Rabbit and Beverage’s best friend is there and I learn that he is a pot stirrer: he texts Beverage that he is hanging out w/ me and my new man. Mega score as Beverage gets jealous.

But it’s not just that, I am genuinely having a good time, Tuna is fun, funny, smart, he cheers for my team, buys rounds of beer tubes, touches my back dimples and we stand really, really close to eachother and breathe into each other’s mouth pulling away just before kissing. Which as I type sounds really, really nasty, but seemed really, really hot.

Shit – I am hammered. And for his better judgment he says he has to go and against my better judgment I say “no, no, you should come home w/ ME” while Thelma reminds me to play it cool and not go home w/ him. Instead, I play it very very uncool.

But it’s good, and I’m glad he doesn’t come home w/ me even though he texts me he wanted to and he didn’t want to go, but it’s ok. I go home w/ Thelma and we have a dance party on the couch rocking out to Cher and Black Eyed Pees screaming and jumping on the couch.  And I forgot about Beverage, and am thinking about kisses yet to be had, my team won today, and I am dancing on furniture.  I’m happy.

To be cont’d….


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